Men have lost their flame.
What was once a blazing fire has smoldered down to whispering embers.
Why have men lost their flame?
“It’s our food and our environment!” decries one, “It’s technology and screen time,” shouts another. “It’s our culture’s abandonment of Judaeo Christian values,” insists our religious friend.
The debates ensue, but less debatable are the effects.
While some ignore or write off the downstream impact of (what has been called) the Male Loneliness Epidemic, some recognize a major problem - not just for the men who suffer, but society as a whole.
While many men may not self identify as “lonely”, they recognize that something is amiss. Isolated, invisible, insignificant come to mind.
Hi, I’m Brett. I’m a man and I am not the hero of this story.
My name is Brett Allen. Born outside Chicago, I was raised in St. Louis in a Christian home. When I was 11, I started playing the guitar. I pursued music rigorously as a young man. In 2012 I graduated Baylor with a degree in Film, married my high school sweetheart, moved to Austin with my new bride, and hit the road playing the music I wrote and recorded. By 2013, I recognized music as a career had a lot of headwinds, and thus began my vocational confusion.
In 2017, Ellie and I moved home to St. Louis, Missouri from Texas to prepare for the birth of our first child. After a unique role as Executive Assistant to a pastor and author of a large church in Houston, TX - I felt God calling me into something different: Commercial Real Estate.
By providence, I was given early success in this field and in 2018 I had the opportunity to underwrite one of the largest portfolio sales in St. Louis history. In 2019, that deal closed and I could see a path in asset management. 2020 was sure to be my biggest year, but Covid had other plans.
I entered the slog with a general ethos of success at all costs. I was super involved in my church, wanted to be super dad, super husband, and alpha business man. It was almost undetectable as I departed my young years, turned 30 and entered the “messy middle.”
Throughout the years, I bought the very compelling lie: I am the hero of the story. It’s all up to me. Be more. Do more. No equipment necessary - just roll up your sleeves and do it.
Unsurprisingly, this lie led to some problems.
In 2023, I began an inter-company transition to president of asset management - my first real c-level opportunity.
In many ways, I thrived in this role. I found I love collaborative people-first leadership. I loved setting goals with my team and achieving them. I loved the feeling of being prepared in the boardroom. I loved celebrating the wins and clearly articulating the problem to collaboratively come up with and execute the solution.
The problem? I was still the hero of my story.
Asset management (especially in the current economic climate) is a high pressure field. The insatiable drive to perform coupled with optimism bias leads to rosy budgets at year end - followed by brutal reality in early Q1, followed by white knuckling solutions to hit the P&L.
Did I fail to meet our P&L expectations? Nope. I dug in like my life depended on it and our team found a way. Mission accomplished right?
Well not exactly. See, I actually REALLY believed that my life DID depend on it. Success at all costs and there is a cost. Your soul picks up the tab.
Looking back, here’s what was going on at home:
With my bride: together - but alone.
With my kids: physically present - but my mind; somewhere else.
With my body: frail even in the midst of inconsistent self-punishing fitness routines.
With my mind: exhausted - spent all my bandwidth saving the world at work.
With my faith, trying to earn it - dogmatic commitments to wake up early and read the bible only to fall off the program in shame.
In short, I was hurting - and so was my family.
My flame was smothered and smoldering.
Boy, did I need a real hero.
I’m less interested in spirited debate about who or what to blame. I am interested in the flame. I don’t care what happened to it. I just want it back and so do you.
I need not list scary things of our time because if you're reading this, you have an internet connection. We cannot control the external circumstances of our time - so the troubles of our time are not the problem.
"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks”
I believe we (men) presently lack powers equal to our tasks. Said differently:
Don’t think of loneliness or isolation as solitary confinement. While the stats are slightly better for married men who attend church regularly (like me), many of us (including me) report feeling lonely and isolated while surrounded by people - even the ones we love most. Together, but alone.
Isolation is a particularly sinister phenomenon in the context of our time. Here we are at the foothills of the AI revolution. We never really figured out how to manage the relatively new level of connectedness - yet we are forging right ahead to a whole new world.
How do we equip ourselves for the present battles of this age as well as what’s to come in isolation? We don’t.
“We must learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.”
Or as the protagonist of the ABC hit show Lost put it:
“If we can’t live together, we’re going to die alone.”
Are you giving everything you’ve got at work only to come home to the chaos of kids, undone house projects, an exhausted and unseen wife? Is it ever enough? Are expectations ever going to be met?
Or maybe you’re killing it in your sales job, or crushing it in your small business. Maybe you’re a super intentional dad. Maybe you’ve kept the flame in your marriage alive with weekly date nights - but still there is a deeper longing and pesky sin struggles quietly bring shame and doubt.
Maybe you would actually self identify as a man who is thriving - good we need you too.
Regardless, this is not a them problem, this is a we problem. I’m not trying to convince you that you’re lonely or isolated. But I’m also not trying to convince you that everything’s okay.
At the heart of Tend Center is a heart for men and their families.
What if we were equipped to tend the flame?
What if we walked with one another? What if men stopped posturing and started living out of their true calling.
What would happen in our souls, in our marriage, in our children, in our work?
This is the mission of Tend Center: to equip men to tend their flame.
Tend consists simply of real men doing real things. Chopping wood, lighting fires, walking with one another in authenticity, confessing sin, and moving out of isolation.
Tend seeks to equip men for the challenges of our time.
Tend encourages membership and participation in a local Bible-believing church and does not replace church attendance.
Tend is not anti-tech, but does prioritize in-person connection over digital.
This is the work of Tend Center. Real men doing real things in an increasingly artificial world.
Follow along and Tend Your Flame 🔥